SPOILER WARNING! Some of the female readers may be offended by what I'm about to say. Before you read any further, let me say that I am in no way trying to diminish the efforts of the women who have worked so hard with our children, boys AND girls. However, I am continually disturbed by the absence of good men in the lives of our young boys. At this point, you have been warned. Continue reading at your own risk.
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Over the weekend I attended a Cub Scout Camporee with my oldest son. There were over 700 Cub Scouts and 1600 people total at this weekend event. This particular weekend was special because it was also the moment when the oldest group of boys "crossed" over from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts. It was a very cool and yet solemn occasion. Each scout was greeted by his Cubmaster and the "Chief" of the Order of the Arrow on one side of the bridge. The scout then crossed a bridge where on the other side he was greeted by the Scoutmaster of his new Boy Scout troop. There, the scout was given the insignias and colors of his new standing.
As I watched this ceremony take place I was bothered by what I consider to be a stark inconsistency. I was shocked by how many women hold positions of leadership in an organization whose purpose is to train and empower boys to become capable men. Some of the roles and duties performed by women this weekend appeared to be largely administrative or organizational in nature. From that perspective, one might write this off as affinity differences in genders. Some might say that the women were doing the jobs that the men did not want to do. The guys rather be out in the woods - hunting, camping, starting fires, etc. True, given the chance, most men rather be out acting on their primal urges - myself included.
But that does not explain the number of women who were den leaders - the adults who week in and week out lead the smaller groups of boys, guiding, directing, planning all the activities, and ultimately, modeling "manhood". How are young boys going to understand what it means to be a man if a woman models it? We have several women den leaders in our pack. I'm thankful for their willingness to serve. But I am more disappointed that there are not men to fill those positions.
Church is no different. In many churches, especially smaller churches, there is a desparate need for male leadership. A friend once remarked to me that a single mom began attending his church, hoping to find some stable males who could model what it means to be a man. She had tried Cub Scouts, but all the leaders were women! Problem is, most churches have few men who are willing to work with children. (I'm thankful that in my church, we have good strong men working with ALL our age groups in our children's department. As a father of two sons, I am so thankful for them.)
Veering from the societal implications and problems that the growing percentage of women leadership in Boy Scouts presents, I think we have a bigger problem in the absence of good strong male leadership in the church. We have done something to the notion of what it means to be on a Christian faith journey that has overly feminized it. Is there something about being on a faith journey that naturally has feminine undertones? Is there something about being on a faith journey that naturally repels men but attracts women?
Someone asked me the other day if many people left comments on my blog. I told him that the type of things I write usually generate introspective thoughts, but not necessarily discussion. Please, I'd like to know your thoughts. I'd like to see some discussion on this. Am I barking up the wrong tree or am I getting close to the target? Is this a real problem, and if it is, what do we do about it?
When is the right time?
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This past week I had coffee with the pastor of the church we're now
attending. I talked for about an hour straight, telling my story. All the
while he prov...
15 years ago
10 comments:
Matt, your post reminded me of the book Wild At Heart which touches on the point of how society tends to immasculate men. I'm paraphrasing but it said that if men were to actually be men as God designed us, we would probably be frowned upon at our churches because (as you said) we have overly feminized what it means to be on a Christian faith journey. I encourage your male readers to pick up a copy of this book. While it is rooted in Christian teaching, it's principles apply to every man, regardless of belief.
Derrick, I too thought of the same book as I wrote this post. One thing I might should point out. Christianity is gender neutral. Our faith journeys should make us the best men or women we were designed to be, because despite what some people want to believe, we really are different creatures.
Matt, Controversy invites response! How long did it take you to figure out that men aren't showing up? It seems to be a cultural problem, as expemplified by your 'Boy Scout' experience. Culture always invades the church. I know this has been addressed in Promise Keepers...aka the male role. Their PK stand has been battered by every cultural expert in the nation. I didn't think their position was all that controversial.
I find myself walking a fine tightrope, when discussing the male role in today's family, from the pulpit. There isn't much that makes a man distinctive today.
Matt, please give us some definitive answers (let your wife proof read your copy).
All ears! Your the man! Big Al
Hi Al,
Good to hear from you. Yes, I figured it out a long time ago and have been bothered by it ever since. I'm not afraid to go on the record for what I think is the correct Biblical role of men. I believe that a Biblical marriage is one buuilt on mutual submission. I think Ephesians 5 is pretty clear that the husband should be willing to sacrifice it all for his wife and his wife should be willing to submit it all to his headship. The man's role is to give up whatever it takes for his personal needs to see to it that his wife is presented as the church, perfect and without blemish. That's a pretty big responsibility. And it requires just as much submission on his part as it does the wife's.
Yet, in that submission, the husband is still the head. Before anyone goes on to misinterpret, I'm not talking about extreme cases of abuse nor am I referring to "harmless" cases of a man who likes to tell everyone what to do. I think Scripture teaches that when a family falls short spiritually, it is the man's fault. Because he bears the responsibility, he must also be given the authority. In my home, my wife and I make important decisions jointly. But someone has to be able to make the call and take responsibility. That's my job.
There have been times where I have said, "This is the way it is going to be" and we have done it. There have been other times where I said, "We'll do it your way." I had to earn that authority through my selfless love for my wife AND through the strength of my faith journey.
A wife is not going to follow a husband who will not take the reins in any of these areas. Their marriage may be a very healthy one. But that does not make it a Biblical one.
There I said it. I just lost 50% of my 22 readers, but that's how I feel ;-)
Matt,
Alienation is good for the soul. Open dialog helps us to define/refine ourselves. I wonder if you will loose readers, when you allow them space to disagree?
Ephesians 5:21 lends itself toward a universal submission in principle. Is it possible that a leader submits to a follower as the proper occassion rises? That is, within the context of family relations and perhaps the church? There is an implied hierarchy... but can that be viewed as dynamic?
Do you occassionally take direction from your wife or your church board? I'll take a risk and say that I do. I mean, they come up with something my mind didn't originate...fresh ideas. Perhaps God intended for them to take a turn at leading. Otherwise, why didn't I come up with it?
Anonymously Al
Al,
I think that for the most part we are talking about the same thing with different language. RE: taking direction from the board, you know that denominationally our churches have been set up to prevent an abuse of power from any particular individual or group. From a leadership perspective, I think one earns the right to lead by how he or she handles situations. Again though, I always come back to who is the responsible party? How that person chooses to lead is negotiable and should be dynamic, but that person should lead. There are churches where the board think they run the show and insist the pastor do whatever they say. They're usually dying anyway because this is just one symtpom of their unhealthiness.
Responding to your question about following the direction of my wife or the board, I think there is huuge distinction between listening to someone else's ideas and being the head. I don't suddenly become a temporary follower because someone had a better idea than I. I become a better leader and a better "head" when I go with the better idea and empower those people to make it happen.
Leaders don't have to have all of the ideas. They just have to have Competence, Courage, Clarity, Coachability and Character. I'm not a book salesman but I wanna recommend another great read...Next Generation Leader (by Andy Stanley). This book applies to ANY kind of leadership...not just (but especially) church leadership.
Matt:
I read your comments on male leadership and I have to say that it is pretty clear that you do not have much respect for female leaders. I also find that your remarks make it clearer that if you found someone who had a better idea or concept than yourself that you do everything to "run them down or run them off". The head of the family and the head of the church talks more about responsibility than authority or in your case power. Thus, I take reponsibilty for all decisions that are made, but I do not have to remind people that it is "my way and that it is". These are the signs of poor leadership characteristics. In fact, if we take your "mailbox" example, then you could say you were so focused on what you wanted that you did your body (church) a diservice by allowing it to run into the mailbox, because you are too focued on yourself and what you think and not on what your body (church) needs or even what God wants.
You are already thinking who is this person to say anything to me? You must be honest with people. Case in point, did you priase your wife for being a great wife and mother on Mother's day in public or from the pulpit? Did you publicly praise your own mother? Do you ever praise or give support to other leaders who are female? If your answer is NO, then maybe your perspective on male/female relationships is biased. Male superiority is not bibilical.
In fact, I think your viewpoint is slanted even more toward yourself being the one and only. Notice your own words in the following:
"I think Scripture teaches that when a family falls short spiritually, it is the man's fault. Because he bears the responsibility, he must also be given the authority. In my home, my wife and I make important decisions jointly. But someone has to be able to make the call and take responsibility. That's my job."
"There have been times where I have said, "This is the way it is going to be" and we have done it. There have been other times where I said, "We'll do it your way." I had to earn that authority through my selfless love for my wife AND through the strength of my faith journey."
If you (the head your house) take responsibility for ALL the decisions in that FAMILY, then please explain how can there be "we'll do it your way". You have made a clear distinction between your way and your wife's way. The phrase "we'll do it your way this time", implies contempt for the other individual (namely your wife) for daring to come up with a better idea.
Admit it! I am the best leader and people should just accept it! In fact, a strong leader would be able to make only the "right" decision no matter who came up with it and take responsibility for it. Why do think that God used women in the Bible? You need to get out of Ephesians to answer that one!
In fact, an individual as consumed as you are with one's self would not be able to tolerate anyone who said anything against your word (male or female). This would mean that unless "YOU" could control the action, then it has no value or worth in your eyes and mouth. This would definitely not allow female leadership or surveys to really mean anything UNLESS they followed the principle of:
"This is the way it is going to be" to use your own words.
"I" is always the problem in your situation. Thank GOD that HE does not act this way!
This is just some food for thought! I am sure that you think that I was not talking to you about you, but I was. I look forward to your reply!?!
Anonymous,
I appreciate you taking the time to compose such a thoughtful response. I think you might want to go back and re-read the post and my comments. I have either been misunderstood or mischaracterized when described as someone who runs over anyone with a better idea. In fact if you go back and read my response to Al, you will see that I said the best leaders go with and empower the better ideas. Nor do I think I have described anything such as "male superiority". My life and my marriage stand as public testimony to that.
I appreciate you leaving room for the possibility that I might actually praise and support female leadership of all types in your second paragraph. Again, I believe those who know me would testify to such.
I think you and I share more common ground than you might think. One place we might differ is the ultimate role and place of the man in the family, but none of us will agree 100% of the time on 100% of the subjects.
I also think you may have missed the point of the whole post. Some of the comments began to drift off into some of the areas you address, but the real reason for the post was not to demonstrate male superiority or female inferiority. It's purpose was to address the growing absence of solid men in the lives of our kids and especially in the church.
Matt:
I did not miss the point of YOUR POST. In fact, I have read ALL YOUR POSTS very carefully! What I was trying to bring out was the REAL YOU! Your reply was clever in the sense that you were very careful in your response to me. However, I am not just giving you some negative feedback!!!
I am makiong a point solely about YOU. I got your point about male leadership in the Scouts and at Church. However, did you ever think that men are sometimes lazy and vain? It is soooo much easier to let the women do it. Except, when it looks as if they are going to do it better than me (you) or rather if I (you) am not able to take credit for it in some way.
Since you think I misunderstood you let us look at Al's comments:
"Ephesians 5:21 lends itself toward a universal submission in principle. Is it possible that a leader submits to a follower as the proper occassion rises? That is, within the context of family relations and perhaps the church? There is an implied hierarchy... but can that be viewed as dynamic?
Do you occassionally take direction from your wife or your church board? I'll take a risk and say that I do. I mean, they come up with something my mind didn't originate...fresh ideas. Perhaps God intended for them to take a turn at leading. Otherwise, why didn't I come up with it?"
Anonymously Al
Now let's compare that with your statements:
"I believe that a Biblical marriage is one buuilt on mutual submission. I think Ephesians 5 is pretty clear that the husband should be willing to sacrifice it all for his wife and his wife should be willing to submit it all to his headship. The man's role is to give up whatever it takes for his personal needs to see to it that his wife is presented as the church, perfect and without blemish. That's a pretty big responsibility. And it requires just as much submission on his part as it does the wife's.
Yet, in that submission, the husband is still the head. Before anyone goes on to misinterpret, I'm not talking about extreme cases of abuse nor am I referring to "harmless" cases of a man who likes to tell everyone what to do. I think Scripture teaches that when a family falls short spiritually, it is the man's fault. Because he bears the responsibility, he must also be given the authority. In my home, my wife and I make important decisions jointly. But someone has to be able to make the call and take responsibility. That's my job.
There have been times where I have said, "This is the way it is going to be" and we have done it. There have been other times where I said, "We'll do it your way." I had to earn that authority through my selfless love for my wife AND through the strength of my faith journey.
A wife is not going to follow a husband who will not take the reins in any of these areas. Their marriage may be a very healthy one. But that does not make it a Biblical one."
There is clearly a difference in thought between YOU and Al. In fact, if we read it correctly you give only give "lip service" to the concept of mutual submission because Al mentioned it and YOU thought it would be prudent to include it in your comment. However, when the readers arrive at YOUR "yet" submission we are back to theory x management based upon the principle of "I say, you do". In YOUR case it was "there have been times where I have said, "This is the way it is going to be" and we have done it. There have been other times where I said, "We'll do it your way." I had to earn that authority through my selfless love for my wife AND through the strength of my faith journey."
You have to notice that YOU praise YOURSELF for YOUR selfless love and the strength of YOUR faith journey. It is really ALL ABOUT YOU!!
By the way I noticed that you never addressed the fact that on Mother's Day you failed to mention your own mother and your own wife.
If I am wrong, then what did you talk about on Mother's Day??
You also wrote me off as just not understanding you, but that would incorrect. Let me pose some other questions to you:
Is YOUR style of leadership in YOUR home and church the same as Christ's leadership in Ephesians?
Is the "mailbox" story not a perfect example of being too focused on YOURSELF and YOUR desires rather than the BODY'S (CHURCH'S)?
In fact, whenever YOU give an example on how to be a good father or a good husband or a good pastor can YOU give any other example than YOURSELF?
I await your response!?!
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